Dear Andrew,

Its only  about three more hours till I wake you up but I think I’ll spend the next hour here typing to you since its too cold to get out from under the covers and get a paper&pen. While I wish I were under the covers with you , I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate my constant drooling and sleep-talking and I wouldn’t appreciate your furnace-like quality in sleep.

I’ve been thinking about these long months of this not-so-new but not-even-old relationship we are in together. We work hard, sometimes overtly so. We ( I mean , I ) create a lot of shit for us to shovel, when sometimes we have more fertilizer than we know what to do with. We can go days without a bad moment , but we often squibble, squabble and quaffle over the slightest of silly things.

Sometimes I am not your equal, sometimes I am scumoftheearth kind of girlfriend who just wants her way and that’s that-just so I know you really love me. Remember how we  both agreed this isn’t a game and I shouldn’t test you? Can I have 3 free passes? I’ll make you grilled chicken wraps soon.

Every relationship is different and everyone goes through their ups and downs. We are seriously the poster-youngadults for a blindfolded loop the loop upside down sign a release form before you get on themepark rollercoaster ride. However when I stop being a bitch and you stop being angry, I seem to still be wearing your ring  and find myself  in the crook of your neck and you seem to still want to make me blow my nose and kiss my tears and rehydrate me.

I take this as a good sign.

I don’t count the months much anymore because I think we have a long way to go and I’m glad for this longness of time we anticipate. I wonder when we changed from knowing each other the best to constantly miscommunicating. This must make you rather sad too. For that, I owe you an extra kiss on the temple ( please claim  at any time). I look forward to becoming your best friend again, because it was pretty awesome when I was her.

If I hang back from myself abit, I can already see you sleeping on your side with a very awkward neck position and shirt askew. Sometimes when you’re very tired you twitch or you snore.  But a little nudge always sets you right again. You can sleep through anything including me announcing in a long tirade the list of promises you now have to keep (since you kept silent in agreement).

The more I think about it, the more I miss you  because we aren’t as close as we used to be. Time and strain has put a little damper on the relationship, but that’s okay because i know you still love me the same (as I do you). I don’t read our old letters anymore because all those times are faraway from now, and I only want to keep looking forward. Maybe one day we can both read back together.

As you can probably guess right now I’m hungry and achey because I didn’t eat a proper dinner, I had a huge nap in the afternoon and I didn’t take that panadol like you suggested. See how I don’t listen to you and suffer later? You’re right. And you’re right about a great big number of things. (See I do admit my faults).

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

For my unconquerable soul.

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Looms but the horror of the shade,

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the captain of my soul.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

after several emails, phone calls and administrative prep.. ive been played out of a part time stint!

Yesterday Andrew suggested that in order to distract myself from certain meh things i was feeling, i should blog. my initial defensive reaction was to  think that he was being chauvinisitc by wanting me to "rant and rave", but a calmer less nervy me thinks that he just wants me to write(no, type) it out so i can think it through as i do what i do. its been a long week, a not so happy week in some ways too.

I'm not going to catastroph-y[(ker-taas-troh-fai) : to depict a series of meh events in a dramatically drastic :( way ] it all. I had some good things happen this week,among them being a minishopaholic(2 dresses and a tote), upping my CAP by a puny, microscopic %, spending good time with julie&porks:), actually swimming after damn long,and more time with andrew than his normal sched permits.i've eaten well and less unhealthily(overall)...i've read  a little, ive got back into contact with some friends here and there, i feel like im making a mini shift from my otherwise very static lifestyle.

I guess there's all in all only been 3 downers this week. the biggest being failing my TP for the second time after failing in dec2007. haha. i was a mess on friday morning to afternoon because of that. I reallly put in my best and I guess that God mustve had a reason for me not to pass, and it is a chance for me to be better. The tester being a mean one aside, he couldnt have faulted me if i wasnt worth faulting, so i guess another chance is another chance to be better. I felt so bad cause I felt i had let my family and friends down..wasted mom’s money.. and i must admit im the kind who doesnt take failure well. So i guess it rounds back to learning. really L plate.(again).

For a lit major I write in a very cyber-slacker way, which probably cant put me in the best place for impressing potential employers given that this WWW is what it is.

I began these hols with big grandiose plans. Now im down to 2.5 months out of my 3 months plus. In the time that has passed I’ve done 3 big things I wanted to..ive got a few more to go. See, there’s something  abit neurotic about wanting to accomplish things on a dreamed-up list that exists in my head. Don’t u ever get the feeling sometimes that if you write something down, it starts to exist in the real world and the sense of obligation to fulfill the given of those written words becomes greater?

“you can always be better”.for as far back as I can remember through my angsty (not very, actually) teen years I always wanted to be better. Sometimes it was just against nick ( oh, sibling rivalry).. but mostly it was just against myself. Maybe im the kind who thrives on stress while  mehhing about it. It all gets very self-absorbed , masquerading as some existential quest:/

See I even resort to emoticons…as a lit major.

Andrew often chides that i “need a hobby”. Its true..it used to be jewellery making, and we all know my artistry is as good as a  left-handed kindergarten kid  using his right hand whilst blindfolded after being whirled around in a swivel chair. Reading became a school thing in uni,which erased itself off the hobbies list. Sewing meant patience, so that went pretty quick.  My hobby, something I do often and with certain continuous energy is .. needle. I needle people a lot. I needle myself, and my mom and dad and nick and Andrew.

Right now im even needling you by making you read:)

In me, ive got green and red and grey. Ive become all pink, where I was just whitish before, or else all black. I keep waiting on the orange, but I’ll never consider a yellow.  Im not a rainbow, Im not a cloud, I’m a moon , lit by something else- watching and being watched.

from badminton with nick and julie to running into hana, marli &lia
to a yummy lunch with cafpf and then a great nap, pathetic run,
fantastic dinner and quickshop with andrew:)

thank you for such a lovely velvet day just travelling,
talking, sharing(&eating!!) and being together.

♥

source

for two people , who at one point weren't talking at all, we've come a long way..
and the good thing for me is, the next thing i have to look forward to, is a call in a coupleof hours:)


 

Threading

We wait on the tip of a prayer.
Time poised impossibly on fingers
wrapped tightly around each other.

In quiet distance we emit
hurried breaths, one chasing the last away
only to catch the next.

I am curled inside and spread eagled out
to net and sieve your falling lights;
little baubles of love floating
downward to fallow dimness.

Words are strung
like paper-cup telephones-
quaint, tangible -apart for now.

But I will reel you in
and you will draw me close
and we will moor in the midst
of the sea.
Just you, my world,
and me.