its the last leg of sem 1 of my last year in school and im not ready for it to end for a few reasons. primarily im afraid of being put to task: i've got a 20 page essay to wrangle with until next week.

i want to believe in alot of things.


its very simple there are always lines you dont cross. but then who's to say what lines are valid? yesterday i slept from 9pm and woke at 8 am today... and yet i feel as tired(if not more) than i did before i got home yesterday. my head is buzzing not in an alcohol induced way and i just frown at everything.


if i work intensely hard i could technically relax for abit.

but who's to say anything goes according to plan?

 

today i pace.today i pray inside.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start


The Scientist, Coldplay

ive had this constant headache for about 2 months now and ive got a referral to go eliminate the offchance that its smt serious so i think its about high time i go and get that done. that aside alot of things have been on my mind about school work, postgrad options(work and school) and just well, how i havent been handling alot of things in life very well.

very quickly i have become a very serious person. maybe i always have been more on the serious side than not, but sometimes i wonder if im being too serious for someone my age. i dont mean by any rate that i want to be one of those club all the time, drink and spend money all the time kind of a person, but i wonder if my issues are deeper than i think they are. at 22 whatever stresses i may or may not justifiably feel shouldnt be affecting the way my body is.

i spend alot of time thinking. then i think about how i think, and i think:maybe i shouldnt think so much, mayb i think too much, and also maybe i think too much about thinking. So i think about how i can stop thinking, while thinking all the more.

Descartes must hate me abit now. doesnt this mean i am therefore i am , therefore i am, therefore i am what i am therefore?  See then that would just bring up an existentialist crisis within an existentialist crisis! oh god, its a meta-existentialist crisis.

ive always thought(oh cripes im at it again) that you always end up being in some ways the person you never thought you would be. this month has brought that about again.i even said it out loud,this fact that i felt like an idiot about how i was being, while i was being that idiot. i was told to stop feeling guilty.

when i heard that, all i did was feel guilty about wasting someone's time to tell me not to be guilty for thinking about thinking too much.

ive clearly got some issues. and essays to write.

i dont care if sticks and stones break my bones
words will always hurt me